Who she could have been
by Macky19
Summary: Terra reflects about the decisions she's made, and who she has become. Takes place after Titan Rising.


**Hi there,**

 **So this is my first Teen Titans story, and hopefully, you enjoy it**

 **I don't own anything**

The wind that blew outside flowed in through the window, making her flowy gray curtains flutter along with the breeze. It startled her, for a moment the curtains resembled a person, an evil spirit of sorts.

She scolded herself, there was no such thing as evil spirits. This thought sent a twist of worry through her stomach because her imagination wasn't the only thing that needed calming that night. There were real fears that needed to be faced as well.

The events of the day had been… overwhelming. From fighting Slade's robots, getting accepted into the Titans, to receiving her own room, it was all so much. And though she was immensely grateful for the short amount of time she would receive with her new friends, it didn't eliminate the feeling of guilt that was burning in her chest.

She was scared, no terrified of the masked man. Slade. That's what he said his name was, though she didn't it. She didn't believe any of his sob stories, that he was an ex-hero, and the Titans had thrown him out of the city for no reason.

He claimed he just wanted to able to protect his city again. She didn't believe a word of it… but why did she feel so intrigued?

Perhaps it was because he showed so much interest in her. She had never been loved, so this was the closest thing she had. She had never had any parents, and though Slade wasn't a fatherly figure to her, he gave her a small sense of security. He cared enough to help her control her powers and that was good enough for her.

Her thoughts went to a different person, Beast Boy. He obviously cared about her, but that wasn't enough to make her stay. There was another problem that made her question her decision to work with Slade, love.

Her love wrinkled as the thought of the word, did Beast Boy love her? She wasn't sure, perhaps because she didn't don't know what love looked like.

But she knew what love felt like because that was what she felt for him. Another question popped into her mind, did she love him enough to protect him from Slade?

She thought about coming clean to the Titans and working with them against the masked man but without Slade's training, she was at risk of losing control of her powers again. And she certainly did not want that, having out of control powers could only end badly. Either someone would get hurt, or somebody would be killed.

She struggled to gain control for so long, and she knew she wouldn't be able to keep it up on her own. Even if she loved Beast Boy enough to stay, she couldn't risk him getting hurt.

She struggled to think of another reason to help the Titans, that option was beginning to take the cake.

"One more reason." She murmured quietly to herself. "Just one more reason." She repeated to herself.

Because she wasn't a villain. Sure she had cause mudslides and earthquakes, but she never meant to. You couldn't truly be evil unless you meant to be. And every superhero had a dark past, right? That was what inspired them to become a hero.

She smiled gently at the ceiling. So it was official, tomorrow she would reveal Slade's plans to the Titans.

Her smile quickly faded as another dark thought set into her mind. What if she told them and they still punished her for betraying them? Slade was their worst enemy, they would obviously not be happy that she worked with him. But would they actually throw her out?

She thought for a moment. If she was the leader of the Titans and she found out that one of the members had worked behind their backs, she would be extremely angry.

She swallowed hard, looking at the ceiling and accepting that she would rather fit in with villains than being alone again.

She breathed out, as the guilt was replaced by a cold numbing. She frowned, she would rather feel guilt than nothing at all, emotions were a reminder that she was still alive.

She waited for all her emotions to come back, but the feeling of emptiness never left. She wanted to feel happy, or love, or love, or guilt, or even sadness. She just needed to feel something, to feel alive, to breathe.

But instead her cold heart continued to choke her, and she cried silently as she drowned in the hopelessness. Tears rolled down her face, as the dark thoughts took over her head.

It had been forever since she had last cried. She must have been a little kid, it was so long ago that she didn't even remember. And now she laid in bed, releasing all the tears that had been carefully hidden throughout the years.

"Have I lost my mind?" She asked herself out loud, her voice low and raspy, it didn't sound like hers.

Somebody suddenly cracked open her bedroom door, and she rolled over to face her wall so that whoever was there wouldn't be able to see her face.

"Terra?" A gentle but loud voice called.

"Hi, Beast Boy." She said because she knew how stubborn he was, and she knew that he wouldn't leave until she at least acknowledged that he was there.

"Are you alright? I thought I heard you talking to someone."

She almost told him everything, about Slade and his plans, and about herself and about how much she truly loved him.

Instead, she kept her back to him.

"I had a nightmare, I must have been talking in my sleep." She explained.

"But, you're alright now?" Beast Boy asked, sounding a bit uncertain.

"I'm alright." She agreed, trying to make her voice not reveal how she felt inside. She didn't try to sound happy, just not afraid.

"I love you." He reminded her, and more tears rolled down her face.

Under her sheets, she crossed her fingers. It felt better to tell herself that she was lying, it would make the betrayal easier.

"I love you too." She said, and to her surprise, she was able to keep her voice steady.

Though she could tell that he was still worried, he left. And nothing hurt her more.

She rolled over onto back again, her burning eyes locked on the ceiling. Her crying had ceased, and she breathed out slowly, trying to prepare herself for what would be the longest sleepless night of her life.

"I'm sorry." She whispered to nobody, hoping that somehow, someway her friends would hear her. "I'm so sorry."

Her heart wept, but her eyes didn't match, she just laid stiff as a board, barely alive. She continued to make silent apologies, as a reminder of the person that she could have been, the person she wanted to be, marked itself into her broken mind.

 **Please review- Macky**


End file.
